Lifestyles of the Not So Rich & Not Quite Famous

This. Week. Is. Killing. Me.*

Lately, a list, which is becoming quite lengthy, has been compiled of all the things in this particular city that are irritatingly true and unavoidable. And this week is the perfect time to unleash the top three irritants on the 'ol blog. Why, you ask? Well, anytime one of these pet peeves rears its ugly little head this City Girl inevitably ends up growling inwardly or sometimes shouts to no one in particular, while wearing a hands-free headset so as not to look crazy, about the inanity of "it all" while driving around with the windows rolled up.

On second thought, that probably still looks a little unhinged. *ahem*

Irritant No. 1: If all drivers arrive at the intersection at the same time, let she who drives the nicer vehicle proceed through the intersection first.
There are Classists afoot in this very city! Be warned, all you locals who think that the rules of the road apply to those from the affluent parts of town. They do not. You may have been sitting at that stop sign for the last 3 minutes, being ever so cautious and ready to pull into the intersection, but if the opposing driver on the road is behind the wheel a vehicle that costs twice as much as yours then be prepared to reschedule the rest of your day while you sit at said intersection and wait for some poor sucker in an 1992 Nissan to pull up to the stop sign opposite you so you can get on with your day. That's right! You can bet your sweet Benz that that turkey will not only trump your right of way, he will more than likely ignore all stop signs and other government enforced postings. He is, after all, driving a Bentley.  

Step aside, lowly Volvo drivers!

Irritant No. 2: Beautiful people are not an anomaly here. They're what we call "locals".
Let's just say, hypothetically, you're having an "off" week. You just had a good cry in your car while sitting in the parking lot of Starbucks, nursing your hormones back to a relatively stable level with some sort of chocolate coffee drink. As you pull yourself together you glance in your mirror and notice that although you feel as though you could go through the rest of your day without another break down you have, unfortunately, cried off all your makeup and that blemish that was once perfectly disguised around the lower area of your chin has now made its way up to the middle of your forehead and is beaming red like a beacon in the night.

In any other town, this City Girl would say, "Go on, girl! Finish that day!" But not in this town. I will never say that in this town. Because the minute you drive away and pull up to your next stop you will notice that every single person in this Stepford-like city is stunningly beautiful in a way that makes one question, "Just what is in the water here?!" And we're not talking about inner beauty. We're talking about the kind of beauty that makes you painfully aware of any minute line that may appear anywhere on your body, practically demands that you pay more in gym membership fees than rent, and gives you the overwhelming feeling that lighting your wardrobe on fire and starting anew really is a good idea. Should your level of sanity be on the fritz in The Land of Perfection and Youth do yourself a giant favor and drive straight home. Do not pass Go. Do not pay $100. (I'd say "collect", but anyone in this town knows you're more likely to pay than collect.) Just throw on those designer sweat pants, open up that $50 bottle of Bordeaux you've been saving and switch on your 90" flat screen TV while you sink back into your custom leather sofa in hopes that you can get yourself rested and camera-ready for the next day!

Those amenities are not standard in this Girl's household, but darn it they should be!

Irritant No. 3: When driving in the rain it's best to be cautious. Better slow down to 35mph on the freeway. You know, just to be safe!
There's a running joke in this town that any time a visitor asks what the weather forecast will be any given day in our fair city a local will always chuckle and say, "It should be a sunny 70 degrees!" To say that rainy days are a rarity here is an understatement. So when the slightest hint of moisture can be felt in the air every local driver on the freeway will inevitably slow to an agonizing 35mph.

 I only wish I was kidding about this.

One can't be sure if it's the fear of getting even the tiniest of scratches on their brand new Porsches that has the townfolk so nervous or the fact that most families can be birthed, raised and sent off to college before another rainy season starts that has everyone completely baffled at this onset of water falling from the sky. Either way, be aware of the fact that any kind of seasonal change in the lower parts of this state will result in a traffic setback of at least 30 minutes or more.

God be with you if this seasonal change instantly occurs while you're on the freeway. I'm not even sure they sell insurance for days like that.

* WARNING: This post will only truly be enjoyed by any female who has ever experienced an epic week of Paralyzing My Sanity Syndrome. So, to all you male readers, of which I'm guessing there may only be one or two, consider this a cautionary tale. Never EVER approach a woman who's makeup is slightly askew or buttons are buttoned incorrectly or looks to be on the verge of tears, but is really "yawning", for any reason. Whatever it is you have to say can wait. Just walk away. Do it for your health's sake.