Hott Mess. Two T's.

My attention is getting torn in about 50 different directions this week. It’s hard to tell what is supposed to take priority during the day. This week is oddly reminiscent of all the times I’ve packed up for another long stint on the road. My brain just doesn’t know where to start. It has so many thoughts swirling around inside it, it feels like a witches cauldron about to run over.

My heart keeps pining over The Possibility, which forces one half of my brain to regurgitate these same thoughts: What are we? When do we have “that” conversation that makes or breaks all relationships? When am I going to see him again, anyway? What if he still wants to see other people? I’ll have to tell him that won’t work for me. I’ll be alone. Again. I hate that girl that keeps commenting on his facebook page. I hate facebook. I can’t believe I’m letting daily thoughts of some guy dominate half my brain Ooh! A text! Aww, he misses me...I think.

Meanwhile, the other half of my brain is on another page entirely: Is everything really packed up? What am I forgetting? I know I’m forgetting something. I always do. I should paint those shelves before I leave. Did I call my insurance guy? That’s all taken care of, right? Oh god, I hope I don’t crash with that trailer behind my car. Sweet lord, I’m moving on Monday! I hope I don’t get back to The Beach and become homeless within a matter of months. I don’t think I could pull off homeless. My jaw hurts. Why does my jaw keep hurting? Have I been clenching my jaw ALL day?? Oh great. I probably have that worry line forming in between my eyes, too. Did I put all of my marketing plans in iCal, yet? Note to self….oh shoot…I forgot what that note was about.

Between the boy and the move my brain and heart may end up simultaneously exploding. I can’t sleep at night. When I do finally drift off to dreamland, I wake up every hour on the hour, as if my body is trying to remind me of all the daily stress. I can’t eat either. My stomach is constantly in connection with my heart, which constantly reminds it how nervous it should be about my impending date with love or heartache. And I'm not sure what my eyes are connected to, but they keep filling up with tears...

Lessons in Learning How to Rest, Part Five.

Lesson 5: Just Let Go

This may be my toughest learning lesson yet. In fact, I know it is, because I find myself repeating a string of words in varied orders lately. I can't help myself. I keep hearing myself saying the same words over and over again and it has far surpassed my level of patience and annoyance. It's just like when you nick your knee while shaving your legs and the blood that just won't stop coming seems like overkill. You think the scrape isn't that bad, but try as you might no amount of pressure or bandaid fixes will stop the flow.

Some things in life are easy to let go of: the fact that you'll probably never win the lottery, getting picked over for kickball, not having the ability to walk through walls, watching some jerk steal your parking spot, etc. Other things, however, can seem like gum stuck to your shoe. It's a process that can take daysmonthsyears before all that sticks to you, all that resonated with you as your "for sure" life plan for so many years, finally falls away and fades into the past where it belongs.

I'm on the verge of another big move, the possibility became something more (although what that is I have no idea!), all the things I was told would happen didn't and I am, once again, working for myself full-time. Basically, everything that was supposed to happen hasn't, absolutely everything I'm involved in has no guarantees of working in my favor and everything I thought was never possible has become a reality. And instead of being happy with where my adventurous life is today, I've been looking back and crying over what didn't pan out. In my head I know that what failed to come to fruition was probably not the best for me, but for some reason my heart has decided to fall into a pit of funk over that fact. It's ridiculous. It's stupid. It's silly.

I had an old roommate who used to say, "Where there's fruit, there's a root." That phrase used to make me cringe, because I knew she was right. She was so, so right. And once again I hear her words in my daily thoughts. So, now instead of repeatedly mulling over the past I will only be asking, "Where is this mother effing gum coming from?!"

Waiting for the phone to ring...

When it comes to big life changes the waiting part, the in between, can be excruciating. Relationships, moving, lifestyle decisions, you name it! It's not the actual change that will kill a girl it's the suspense that will do her in. Mignon McLaughlin said it best, "Even cowards can endure hardship; only the brave can endure suspense."

The excitement, the wonder, the thrill of the unknown...all great things until the suspense has lingered on and on. And then it's only a matter of time before it turns to agony, am I right?