You've got mail!

Ok. Ok. I know I'm about to jinx something here, but...I'M GETTING A VALENTINE IN THE MAIL!

*blush*

Just knowing this makes my little old fashioned heart skip a beat.

Horrible, awful, not fun fact about The City Girl: I can't remember the last time I had someone special to share Valentine's Day with me.

In years past I've resorted to hosting an annual Black [Insert Day Here] party. This year, however, I have no party to host, no party to go to and no one to spend this awful commercial holiday with. I try to ignore this ghastly forced display of mush every February, but somehow it always finds a way to flaunt it's cheesy hearts and smooching couples in my face. A lovely reminder of what I am not a part of.

Well...that being said, this year will be different. And the certain someone who will be gracing my mailbox with something utterly adorable made a good point the other night...if someone who in the past hated that holiday were sharing that day with someone permanent, that someone wouldn't mind it so much. And try as I might to fight that simple concept, I think he's right. I think I will like it.

I can't wait!

Heart, meet head.

When it comes to your heart, does it ever truly connect with your head? And should it even bother?

I've recently found myself getting swept away by a possibility. In the beginning, this possibility was more of "we'll see" and less of a sure thing. Later that possibility became a no. And then later, a resounding no along with other possibilities. And now...now that possibility has gained strength; becoming a strong possibility.

Amidst my impending move and this possibility are some fierce opinions between my head and my heart. My heart is excited, passionate, and longing while my head is attempting to wrestle its way to the lead with reason and logic. I feel like I've become the rope used in a tug of war. And with Black Monday and a trip to The Beach just around the corner, I have found that my head is starting to give way to my heart as it fantasizes about this possibility and what's to come...

Curiosity killed the cat. And me.

Ever get so curious about the "what if's" and the "what's to come" that you could just burst? That's me. I cannot stand the not knowing. I really can't.

If I've said it once I've said it a million times, I'm a destination girl. I like to pretend on certain days that I enjoy the journey, but if we're being honest here it's time for me to come clean one more time. I hate the suspense.

Even more honest: Maybe it's just me, but the worst part about the time that's in between one part of your life and the next is that it's usually a learning time. A time where something pertinent and profound is taught to you in some form or other. I'm sure there's a Mary Sunshine out there that thinks this season of life is awesome. I'm not her.

In between my deciding to move to Portland and the actual act of that happening, I've stumbled upon a few reasons why I might want to stay near The Bay. Nothing serious. Nothing really big. But they're there. Dangling in front of me. Taunting me. Trying to make me find other reasons to stay put.

Are you kidding me?!?!

This is me. Desperately trying to be patient.

Once again, I find myself forced to remain open to...anything. While it's sort of a relief to not have to commit too seriously to the unknown of a somewhat far away city, the curiosity of what's down the road is literally killing me.

Free to be you....and me!

My mom says that I used to have a record (yes, a record!) of Marlo Thomas' Free To Be You & Me. I can just imagine me with my Dorothy Hamill haircut, dancing around the living room in corduroy bell-bottom pants, letting the words wash over me. I can't even remember the tune of the song, but my mom likes to remind me every so often of that particular album and then proceeds to hum a tune wile looking at me expectantly, waiting for the familiarity bell to ring true with my faded memory. She also likes to remind me of certain characters or episodes of Mel's Diner as if I were alive when that show was made.

Uh....right.

Anyway, I was looking over some of my posts from this past year and came across the one about picking a mantra and was remembering all over again how definitive that statement was for me. Since I've gone back to working for myself full time I've had the opportunity to either fail miserably or succeed in the most unbelievable ways. As my old ballet teacher used to say, this is my time to shine! There is really no in-between when it comes to owning your own business. You either make it or you don't. And I think that a huge part of whether or not a business survives (especially in this economy!) is due largely to passion. In other words, if you're all in, it shows. And this principle goes far beyond your commitment to your work. If you're all in with who you are, it shows.

I'm not entirely sure when this Stella got her groove back, but since I've recovered parts of myself that I felt were lost, I have been all in. It's like I've taken on a whole new personality...or maybe just reclaimed pieces of my joy or enthusiasm. Either way, these last couple of months I have finally felt like I am free to be me.

Best feeling in the world.