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It's been 2 weeks and 4 days since my temporary move to The Country. Which means that there are only 15 more days to go. (Yes. There is a countdown.) Since moving myself into exile, as a friend called it the other day, I have made lists, I've involved myself in just about every activity, project and/or house guest I could get my hands on. I've stayed busy. I've made dinners. I've hiked....once, but I hiked! I've thrown myself into the very depths of my business and worked from sun up to sun down. I've made sure that not a moment of my day wasn't filled with some sort of....something.

And last night the exhaustion of it all, the forcing of my heart to be on auto-pilot, the ignored feelings came crashing down on this sad City Girl like a building demolition.

Life is still moving forward. My heart still pumps blood all day long, I still breath in and out. I have more friends rushing to my aid than a Facebook junkie. My business is actually functioning better than ever. But...

The unfortunate truth is this sad City Girl can't stay on auto-pilot forever. So, today I'm just sitting here. Waiting. Wishing I knew when the sad will be over.

The Trifecta

I had this exact thing happen one other time. It was years and years ago. I showed up to a class in college, spotted someone I hadn't seen in months - almost a year - and the trifecta was complete. I was having a week that I aptly titled and referred to for weeks afterward as Return of the Ex-Boyfriends. It was more than a happening. It was an event. It was noteworthy. It was weird.

This weekend was no different.

The thing about using the word trifecta* is it's only an accurate description if things shows up in the proper order: first, second, third. Well, for this City Girl the last few days have been the trifecta of perfection. Not only did the ex-boyfriends return, but they showed their faces in the exact order in which they were dated. First. Second. And the heart-wrenching third.

The Possibility sent a text message after several months of silence. And let me just say, I have never been a fan of reaching out to anyone via text message for anything of importance and I still stand by that principle. Text messages are for last minute directions and afterthoughts for someone who just ran to the grocery store for you. Not to mention, if we're not friends online anymore we're not friends.

Yeah...sorry...that text "didn't come through."

Bachelor Number Two showed his face tonight which didn't exactly sway me since we seem to run into each other more often than not. At which point I leaned over to my friend and told her that I seemed to be having a Return of the Ex-Boyfriends weekend. Then, lo and behold, The Light In My Eyes entered the room and stole Bachelor Number Two's seat. Which turned out to be funny to watch as they both know that the only thing they have in common is this City Girl and probably aren't each other's biggest fan. And then one of them noticed me across the room. I smiled. He looked around awkwardly and quickly found a new seat. I giggled to myself. And....scene.

Was it a haunting? Fate? Coincidence?

Who knows. Maybe tomorrow I'll run into my first kiss...

*Disclaimer: All boyfriends previous to the last three were waaaay back in my early twenties, were stupid and young and therefore are no longer important enough to include in the list. So, I will now only refer to these previous three. Possibly for the rest of my life.

Community. The show and the real thing.

Life on The Ranch. Not glamorous. Not exciting. Not fast-paced, by any means. Secluded. Dusty....Different. So, different, in fact, that it feels as if I've been living in another time. I must have slipped through some portal in the universe and ended up in some other version of my life. Or maybe it's that I have taken over Dr. Sam Beckett's job and nobody remembered to tell me.

In any case, this not so glamorous life could have some serious holes in it if it weren't for Community. And I mean that in every sense of the word: the TV show and the real thing. While I've just about exhausted myself with watching the repeated jokes of the TV show to fill up the few lonesome nights, I've also been in awe of just how awesome Community can be from just about every person I've ever come in contact with. The dinner invites, the house guests, the planned excursions...it brings this City Girl to tears just about every time. The encouragement and love has been overwhelming and has made this shift in my universe possible to withstand.

I don't know what I would do without Community.

Lessons in Learning How to Rest, Part Ten.

Lesson Ten: Seize the Day OR 30 Days = 30 Chances
I recently said yes to a job that I normally would have said no to. Maybe it was because this City Girl has been missing life on The Ranch. Or maybe it was because recent changes have proved to weigh a little heavier on this heart than was anticipated. In any event, for the next 30 days I will be living just far enough away from The Beach that my city life will be taking a backseat to dusty roads, pie making and hauling hay.

Day One I started to think that maybe I had made a huge mistake. Life at The Beach wasn't exactly booming, but it wasn't all that bad was it? And while I did want a break from the monotony of overcast days and the white noise of rolling waves, did I really want to live 30 miles out of town with three horses and two dogs that feel like the equivalent of five foster children? I started to wonder what I had done. Just what had I signed on for?

Day Two looked a little better since a dinner with other humans was scheduled and I managed to finagle a wifi setup, but the nagging feeling of being in way over my head was still plaguing me. Today is Day Three and the feeling was still here. I had been trying to get a routine down and plugging away at some greatly neglected work to fill the time. But busyness does not cure heartache or change or even the occasional loneliness. So I stopped being busy and just sat and listened and thought to myself.

For the next 30 days I will have 30 chances to do...anything! I have 30 chances to get better at yoga, hike and see the sights, make new friends, dream up new business ideas, learn something new, grow spiritually, or just be present. I have 30 days that could change my life or I have 30 days that I can let make my life a misery.

So, once again, this City Girl is taking a leap. This time into undiscovered waters of unknown depth.

Us

"I don't know if you need someone better, maybe just different." Part of a conversation I had a couple months ago with The Light In My Eyes after confronting him with the obvious truth: our relationship was starting to unravel right in front of Us. Now it's a leftover clue that still echoes in my head that will probably be the key answer to some future question. A little remnant that still has yet to be sorted out.

It's always sad when you know a relationship is coming to its end; like watching someone die. You can actually see the light fade away.

It was a mutual decision prompted by a lot of talking that sounded sad and was wishfully hoping that one of Us could magically make all things right again, because the bottom line was (and still is) that we loved each other. And it may take months before this City Girl can truly makes sense of all the details of Us. The Us that made both people better in the end. The Us that loved. The Us that grew up together for a time. The Us that is leaving the future open-ended.

And while the Great Sadness has come and gone and still comes around now and then for short visits, this little City Girl's heart is still open. It's still strong. And it's still ready and waiting.