This Not Knowing Has Its Charm

I plan. I make lists. I make lists about making lists. I plot. I scheme. I will shed the brightest of lights on every last detail and nuance of every situation I enter. And I always have a plan to somehow master whatever I put my hand to.

You can't do this in relationships. Not possible.

I have a new mantra I'm trying out that basically entails letting go, ditching The Plan, and just letting whatever will be be. And I am taken aback at how quickly I've adapted to my new life slogan. Yet again, I find myself in a relationship, but this time with a new game plan in that there is no plan. I have no expectations, no designs on the man, and oddly enough no worries.

My heart is a kite tethered by a string of wisdom.

It can go where it pleases, but is ultimately guided by the experiences and smarts I've gained in my 32 years of living. And this not knowing of what will be has its charm. This not knowing is OK with me. Every once in awhile it may just be alright to not know every detail of every little thing that is yet to come. It may just be the right thing to be in dark for once.

I Don't Want No Scrub

Remember Stage 5 Clinger? Well,this City Girl does. All too well. And as of this week, am reminded of that guy while constructing a well thought out text message to somehow detach myself from my recent self-imposed "birthday present."

I'm not great at being the breaker upper....especially when it needs to happen after only two dates. TWO DATES!!! Honestly, I don't know where these guys come from! Who needs to send a break-up text after two dates?!

Just for the sake of having a somewhat interesting blog post, let's outline the second (and what I'm sure will be the last) date in list form, noting that this second date was preceded by multiple unanswered phone calls and several half-answered text messages. The letters "L" and "O" have never been so exhausted.

 How was your day, beautiful girl?.....It's raining out. I'm going to take a cab downtown! lol.....I think my cat just winked at me. lol.......I really miss you.....I hope you're sleeping well! lol

1. He invited me to a soccer game and later called asking if I could pick him up on the way. Let's just say the song No Scrubs by TLC came to mind.
2. I arrived at the game a few minutes after he did and learned that soccer games are the international melting pot of our fair city. (Spoiler Alert: This was the only enjoyable part.) If I hadn't been so busy trying to avoid his effort to smother snuggle me I would've leaned back, closed my eyes and pretended I was in the hub of Heathrow Airport. However, having someone constantly try to inch closer to you and hold your....everything, keeps one from being able to close their eyes except for the occasional blink to lubricate the eye sockets.
3. Mr. No Boundaries, now practically sitting in my lap, finally asked if he could hold my hand. In an attempt to give him the friend vibe I hid my hand in the end of my sleeve and handed him my jersey knit stump, claiming that there was a chill in the muggy summer air.
4. Attempt thwarted. He caressed my stump while staring at the side of my face.
5. The game finally ended and he asked if I would drive him home. Oh and did I mention that I had to tell him about FIVE HUNDRED TIMES that I had to wake up early the next day, so going out for a drink was out of the question? Yeah. It's super fun to talk like a broken record.
6. He attempted to kiss me at the car, but being swifter than he, I managed to dive headfirst into the driver's seat before Birthday Eve was repeated.
7. I pulled the car up to his house, put it in park and he sang to me. And not like "Oh cute. He's singing with the radio." We're talking about the kind of singing that was memorized and rehearsed for a one-time performance. For yours truly.
   Will the awkward moments never end?!
8. I followed up his solo with a nice generic comment like "Well, thanks again!" and flashed my now desert-like dry eyes toward the door, hoping he would take the hint. After what felt like an eternity of silence, he finally vacated the car and probably felt the whoosh of wind as I sped away like Mario Andretti.
9. I pulled up to my own house a few minutes later only to discover that he had left his sweater in my car.

So, dear readers, I leave the ending up to you: Burn it or do a Ding Dong Ditch and hope he doesn't answer the door in time?

A Birthday Present To Myself

Happy Birthday to me!

What did I get myself this year? Oh nothing much....just a small catastrophe that I will lay out for you in list form:

1.  In an attempt to start moving on since the fast/intense relationship with The Light In My Eyes, I have decided to start dating again.
2. I got asked on a date Friday night that sort of fell apart (partly my fault).
3. I found said date on a social media site so that I could apologize for somewhat disappearing.
4. Impulsively asked him (who just so happens to look A LOT like this guy) if he'd be my date to a friend's wedding today.
5. This is the part where things take an unexpected turn: He is crazy about me. As in, has been watching me from afar for months, pining away, over the moon, cuh-razy. (Oh. No.)
6. Was kissed long and good (thank you, Sandlot) and should have said no before it started, but darn it if the compliments weren't so flattering that got me into that position.
7. Had every intention of turning this guy down flat when we parted ways and instead agreed to go on a second date with him later this week.

So, happy birthday to me. I was hoping for a pair of cowboy boots and have instead landed in what looks to be another stupid but awesome but stupid relationship.

Us

"I don't know if you need someone better, maybe just different." Part of a conversation I had a couple months ago with The Light In My Eyes after confronting him with the obvious truth: our relationship was starting to unravel right in front of Us. Now it's a leftover clue that still echoes in my head that will probably be the key answer to some future question. A little remnant that still has yet to be sorted out.

It's always sad when you know a relationship is coming to its end; like watching someone die. You can actually see the light fade away.

It was a mutual decision prompted by a lot of talking that sounded sad and was wishfully hoping that one of Us could magically make all things right again, because the bottom line was (and still is) that we loved each other. And it may take months before this City Girl can truly makes sense of all the details of Us. The Us that made both people better in the end. The Us that loved. The Us that grew up together for a time. The Us that is leaving the future open-ended.

And while the Great Sadness has come and gone and still comes around now and then for short visits, this little City Girl's heart is still open. It's still strong. And it's still ready and waiting.

Lessons in Learning How to Rest, Part Eight.

Lesson Eight: Let your freak flag fly.

I was sitting on the beach today just letting a slapdash stream of consciousness flow through my mind, when out of nowhere my thoughts landed on a memory I hadn't visited in years. It was almost as if I had invented a past memory that wasn't mine. It was so...out of character for the girl that writes this blog today.

Or was it that this girl just forgot a part of herself that still existed?

This City Girl is sorry to have to admit that in the middle of finding herself all over again and laying down some new ground rules for her life, she wasn't having as much fun as she used to. Even with the quick wit and dry humor, having unadulterated fun was not a part of daily life. Sarcasm and the occasional humorously odd observation does not (necessarily) a fun girl make.

Breaking into a 5 star hotel, stripping down and skinny dipping in a rooftop pool for 15 minutes until you get kicked out by the management, however...

A few months ago I had a short, but funny conversation with a boy I was dating. We were in the middle of a romantic entangling when he pulled away from my lips long enough to say, with an inquisitive tone, "You're kind of wild." I hadn't been labeled wild since high school. In fact, I couldn't really remember the last time I was truly "wild" by the world's definition. I had just polished off a crazy two years full of dramatic situations, haphazardly dating parts of Oregon and California, and heartbreaking lessons, but only once or twice had I acted like a wild child. If that!

Remembering the hotel incident today awakened a small part of me. And I'm happy to say that a new breeze is now blowing through my daily thoughts. I don't know how often my tempestuous side will make an appearance, but heaven help the uptight bystander that happens to be near when it does. Because I make no promises or apologies for where this City Girl's freak flag may fly!

Dinner For Two

A man is making me dinner tomorrow night. Making. Dinner. For me. And I should mention, this is the same guy that texted/called me every day he was gone last week. Every. Single. Day. Without missing a beat. I'm frickin' swooning over here!

Did I win the lottery? Am I dreaming? Did I accidentally tip someone $100 and rack up all kinds of lucky karma points?! 

He calls. He pays. He makes dinner. Needless to say, he makes my day.

Poke me. Text me. Email me. Call me.

I have a good friend of mine that has this theory about men and texting/facebook poking/phone calls/emailing. Now, let it be known that the phone calls are few and far between these days, because things like texting and facebook make it waaaay too easy to be passive aggressive in the dating world. However, in the case of this particular theory let's include any form of communication that does not involve face time.

Her theory: Texting and facebook poking are just another way for a man to touch you. It's his way of laying claim to you.

When I heard her say this I just figured she was on one of her rants about men, but then I realized that she may be on to something. She made a very valid point, in fact, that aligns perfectly with a theory I have.

My theory: When guys are interested they constantly let you know in some form. In other words, if I were a tree and he were a dog, he would pee on me at least once a day.

There's never been a time when I couldn't tell if someone was interested in me or not. When guys like you they track you down and "lay claim" to you all the freaking time. When guys aren't interested, you will never hear from them. Ever.

Simple facts. Simple truth. 

Stage Five Clinger

First, let me just say that I hate with a passion how this blog has somewhat become my dumping grounds for all things love related. That being said, I have nowhere else to dump all these stories and I can't write as fast as I type. So, here it is.

Last year I mentioned that I had a certain someone that just wouldn't take the hint and leave me alone. Our relationship ended somewhat suddenly when he decided that he would go where the wind blew him. It blew him into someone else within a week of my leaving his city.

Charming. 

One would think that if you were with someone who lights up your life there would be no need for anyone else. Apparently, this rule does not apply to free spirited people. I think this is crap. And since I hear from him once a month (like clockwork!) I wonder if his significant other is aware of this. This irritates me. It plays with my heart (even though I never respond) and it makes me sad for her.

I told this guy in no uncertain terms that we were through. We were over. No friendship. No facebook. No IM. Nothing. And yet I still hear from this player every 30 days. I've resorted to ignoring him, because it seems to be my last card to play. However, it seems to go unnoticed by him....

What to do? What to do?

The linger.

It was like something out of a movie. Or so said my friend, with a twinkle in his eye, when I told him my latest tale of love and other things...

I visited the possibility last week. The one who sent cupcakes in honor of this year's Black Monday. The one I turned down not that long ago, because he wasn't right for me.

Or was it that I wasn't ready for him?

It was supposed to be a friendly visit. And it was. It was a friendly visit that ended with me lingering. You know...THE linger. The linger that says way more than it should. The linger that invites trouble and possibility.

The linger turned into a quick kiss. The quick kiss was followed by me walking out the door and driving away. And the drive lasted all of two minutes before I turned the car around, marched myself back to his front door and did something I never thought I would do. I was brave. I was gutsy. I was also in the perfect position to be shut down, turned away, told no.

Even thinking about it now...Eek!

I stood in front of his door for a few minutes before I got the nerve up to knock. And then I waited. Nothing. I realized right then that I had the chance to back out. Instead, I pep talked myself into ringing his doorbell. I waited again. And then I saw him. He saw me. There was no backing out at that moment. I knew that if I made up a flimsy excuse that I would hate myself forever. Or at least for the next few weeks. So, I took some old fashioned advice and just told the truth.

I missed him.

The next weekend was full of the usual dating things, and in this case. getting to know each other all over again. It was good. It was sweet. It was so...easy. And for this City Girl, easy isn't something I'm adept at. It's nothing I'm familiar with. Easy has never been in my dating vocabulary.

Sadly, my usual relationships appear to be this difficult.

And speaking of easy, it looks like my plans of moving to Portland have been slightly derailed by a new career possibility back at The Beach. Nothing is official, by any means. Nothing has been decided upon. Nothing has been written in stone or on any legal papers. But let's just say that the signs I thought would be pointing me north by now may not be showing up...

Right or Left? Up or Down?

I've never been more confused in my whole life.

A plethora of cities, a mish-mash of dates (some amazing, some not), and then trying to picture myself living in a new city with new friends and old. I'm baffled. There's no other way to say it. I don't know what to do next or where to go. Having all these options (really fun options) just makes my head spin.

I can have any adventure that I want. Which one do I choose?

The plan is there is no plan.

I'm about to head out on yet another adventure in a couple weeks. This time to Texas, Massachusetts, New York and Oregon. And I'll be insanely busy while I'm out there with work to do, dates to go on, weddings to be in, and new people to meet. I'm excited to go, no argument there. I'm also curious about what will happen and with whom. I'm anticipating a few things and I'm nervous about the things I can't possibly know. And I find myself day dreaming an awful lot these days.


The question on my mind, while I housesit for a friend, has been, "Where will I find myself living next?" I noticed that it's become more of a fleeting question than a stress inducing thought. I've been poking around craigslist every now and then, looking at different rent prices in different cities. I gave the house buying scenario a shot, in hopes that buying a house would somehow sit right with me. And nothing has struck me as "the thing to do" just yet. I said it before and I'll say it again, I have never in my life been without a plandeadlinegoal.

I sort of gave myself a timeline though of when I'd like to have something figured out and/or started (October-ish), but I'm not making myself any promises. In fact, I'm not making any promises to anyone or anything these days. It's kind of nice. Having the chance to dream big and not feel like any of my choices are boxed in...it's most incredible feeling.