Five Things I Would Tell My Younger Self

I recently read an article about the ten things some famous photographer would've told his younger self when starting his career and it got me thinking about the things I would tell my younger self....about life.

I know I had older wisdom circling around from time to time, but I wish I would have dived into the resources I had at the time and truly listened. And I don't know if being confronted with an older version of myself would have made any difference, but here's what I would tell my younger self given the chance:

1. Make friends with the older crowd and learn from their mistakes.
   This doesn't have to be a mentor type of thing, but a friend kind of thing. I think there was this all-too-formal set-up that had the stench of religion on it that made me veer from seeking out relationships with an older crowd. And now that I'm becoming one of those "older" people that has a thing or two to say about life, I find that it's not a religious thing–it's a life thing. It's a fantastic and amazing resource just waiting to be tapped into.
2. Let your freak flag fly.
   Don't try to fit someone else's mold or try to live up to someone else's standards. Make your own rules, live your own life, in the way you think it should be lived. Because trying to be perfect according to some altruistic set of rules will eventually lead to a massive meltdown and set you back to square one on the path of rediscovery all over again.
3. Be content.
   Wherever you are, at whatever stage of life you're in, be content. Choose joy instead of sorrow...or moping. Choose to believe that your life can and will be abundant and awesome. Don't fall into the trap that life is boring or a grind or that some things will never happen for you. Keep your head up and your eyes open to the good things in life. It's meant to be lived with a smile on your face!
4. Listen to your body.
   It's not lying when it says it's tired. Don't push yourself to do so much all the time. Learn how to live the balanced life and give yourself permission to take days off just for the hell of it!
5. Ask questions. All the time.
   I have found that my lack of being willing to speak up at certain times has robbed me of potentially great opportunities and some wisdom. I've also realized that in not asking questions, mainly about God and who that might be, I held myself back from a wonderful part of the life journey. I could have delved deep and enjoyed the richness that is the spiritual part of my life for many years in my twenties if I had only been willing to ask those questions that I thought were maybe innappropriate or not allowed. Such rubbish! It's OK to ask questions, many of them! Sometimes  over and over again. 

I'm sure there are other things I would tell myself, but I like to imagine this conversation with a time limit....say the amount of time it takes to drink a cup of coffee. And I don't know that this is even the best stuff to be said. But I can see, looking back, there was a pattern that I think most twenty-somethings fall into: worrying about what everyone else might say or think about what they are doing.

For me, it was a pattern of fear. 

And while I may not be completely fearless in all areas of my life, I can only hope that my passion for living a life of true freedom will continue all the way to the end. 

Hairy Kiri

There's something simply amazing about a girl's hair! We women have way more options to deal with on a daily basis and it's not limited to just our hair: skirt, pants or dress? clutch, over the shoulder bag or wallet? heels or flats? short hair or long hair? straight or curly? blonde or brunette?

I know that men can cut and dye their hair, too, but for some reason it's a much bigger deal for a woman to change her hair than a man. Earlier this year I posted on Facebook my hair's evolution since last summer. I had decided to cut about 10 inches of my hair off and let it go back to it's naturally curly state for a number of reasons-one of them being, I thought I would attract a different type of man if I had a different hair style. So, I tried just about everything under the sun. If it was a possibility (and wouldn't make my hair fall out) I did it! Straight, curly, bangs, long, short, blondish, brownish, dark....I just loved having all those options! And what I found was that my hair didn't attract new types of men because it was different. I attracted new types of men, because of how my hair made me feel.

Here's the catch and my theory: a woman's hair dictates her identity and attitude.

When I had long, straight hair with blunt cut bangs I walked around with my head held a little higher than normal. I wore nicer clothes, always had my makeup and jewelry on perfectly and almost always had a pair of heels adorning my feet. Now that I'm making the transition back to my long curly hair (sans the bangs) I wear clothes that are a little more free-flowing and relaxed and I walk in full confidence that all my cards are on the table at all times. It almost feels as if I'm being more honest with myself and everyone around me to know that my hair holds no secrets these days. I've been walking around with a crazy mop of curly strands that seem to say, "This is what it looks like first thing in the morning, last thing at night and the color is what it is."

Never in a million years would I have thought that anytime I cut a few inches off my hair it would effect my outlook on life, but here I am walking around in more freedom of identity than I know what to do with...

Why, you say? I say why not!

The question for me these days that's on everyone's tongue is: Why? Why am I moving back to The Beach?

I wish I had a good answer for this. I wish I could say something that sounds grown-up, mature, responsible. I wish I had some sort of dream job that was leading me back there; something that makes sense of the last year of my hopping from city to city. But the truth is I don't. I usually just stammer through some weak answer that sounds like this: "Um...well...I mean, I guess Portland just didn't seem to line up. And um...I end up back at The Beach every couple of months anyway. So...yeah...looks like all the signs keep pointing me south. I guess."

In person I'm a regular Poet Laureate.

I was thinking today about a friend of mine who is known for moving from city to city, country to country while simultaneously fulfilling her career and adventure desires, but without any set plans. Things always just seem to line up for her as she goes. Years ago when we all lived seemingly happy lives at The Beach, I and everyone else would always ask her why she felt the need to constantly live in different places and her response was always: "Why not?!" As if everyone else was crazy for wanting to stay settled in one place for years and years. I was so confused by her free spirited outlook on life. Now, however, I'm simpatico. I get it! The very idea of having a wonderful life in various exotic or exciting new cities sounds absolutely incredible. Why wait until you're old and grey to travel to new places when you can be living in them your whole life and really enjoying the food, the people, the sights?

Just in the last week, the upcoming move was beginning to look daunting to me. It was becoming a dark cloud looming in the distance. I was starting to get an icky feeling. Am I about to make a huge mistake? Am I going backwards? Ohdeargod, will this be as long-term as the last time?!

I was starting to get tunnel vision that this move was not only a step backwards, but that it could be forever. As if I would slip into a past version of myself and be signing my life away, like I would no longer be in control of my own decisions.

Yeah...that'll be the day!

So, when a friend called today to get the scoop on the rumor that's been floating amongst our friends of my impending return, I still didn't have the all-American, mature answer. I only thought of my free-spirited friend and said, with a sparkle in my eye and a knowing smile on my face, "Why not?!"

This picture has nothing to do with the current post. I just thought it was ridiculously cute! Another "why not?!" ;)

Free to be you....and me!

My mom says that I used to have a record (yes, a record!) of Marlo Thomas' Free To Be You & Me. I can just imagine me with my Dorothy Hamill haircut, dancing around the living room in corduroy bell-bottom pants, letting the words wash over me. I can't even remember the tune of the song, but my mom likes to remind me every so often of that particular album and then proceeds to hum a tune wile looking at me expectantly, waiting for the familiarity bell to ring true with my faded memory. She also likes to remind me of certain characters or episodes of Mel's Diner as if I were alive when that show was made.

Uh....right.

Anyway, I was looking over some of my posts from this past year and came across the one about picking a mantra and was remembering all over again how definitive that statement was for me. Since I've gone back to working for myself full time I've had the opportunity to either fail miserably or succeed in the most unbelievable ways. As my old ballet teacher used to say, this is my time to shine! There is really no in-between when it comes to owning your own business. You either make it or you don't. And I think that a huge part of whether or not a business survives (especially in this economy!) is due largely to passion. In other words, if you're all in, it shows. And this principle goes far beyond your commitment to your work. If you're all in with who you are, it shows.

I'm not entirely sure when this Stella got her groove back, but since I've recovered parts of myself that I felt were lost, I have been all in. It's like I've taken on a whole new personality...or maybe just reclaimed pieces of my joy or enthusiasm. Either way, these last couple of months I have finally felt like I am free to be me.

Best feeling in the world.

The Do's and Dont's

I recently made a list of dont's for myself. Not my usual list. Usually my lists consist of things I want to get done or aspire to accomplish. Some are long and may take a lifetime to achieve. Others are short and I race around all dayweekmonth trying to cross every last word off my little, yellow sticky notes.

All of this was brought on when I noticed that I have an insane amount of freedom these days. Teetering on ultimate freedom. I don't have a home. I have a job that affords me to travel anywhere at anytime. I'm single for the first time in years. I'm free. To do whatever. And it's kind of been stressing me out. I know. I know. It sounds great. On paper. But the reality is, not very many people want to be this free for long. I know I don't. But in the meantime, I refuse to be miserable during a time that could be amazing.

Without further ado, the list of dont's:

1. Don't get knocked up yet.
   (Can also be read: don't do anything that will get you knocked up.) Being single, this is highly unlikely to happen. But I thought it would be a good one to write down so that my new found freedom wouldn't go to my head! I'm free. Not invincible.
2. Don't spend money and time on things that don't matter.
   Having fewer expenses opens up a girls options, but I'm trying to be careful to not get sucked into anything that doesn't really need my involvement.
3. Don't be afraid of what could be.
   With any place. Or any person. Or any opportunity.
4. Don't be afraid to jump.
   I'm notorious for deliberating a decision to death.
5. Don't spend free time worrying.
   Such a waste.
6. Don't forget to say no. A lot.
   I'm a sucker for puppy dog eyes and stories of the heart.
7. Don't forget to spend time with the kiddos in the family.
   They grow up so fast. (Partial pun intended.)
8. Don't neglect the parents. They will be old someday.
9. Don't opt out of fun. It doesn't come around every day.
10. Don't forget: you're young.
    Sometimes (read: all the time) I put enormous amounts of pressure on myself to be great while doing great things with great people in great places. It's a little much. Plus, I just had a conversation with a good friend the other night about turning 40 and being alone with cats. I hate cats.

A list of dont's can be such a downer. It runs the risk of putting one in a box. And nobody likes to be told what to do-even if it's coming from their own Jiminy Cricket. But I think, for this city girl, my list of dont's is just right.

The run-away child

I love running. For so many reasons. I don't get to do it as much as I would like, but when I do finally have some time to run it's sacred time. I used to run for training reasons or to punish myself for eating cheesecake or to tone-up or just drop a couple lb's. But now...now I run, because my soul needs it more than my body.

I've noticed a new pattern in my running. It's steady and it's steadfast. It's become my therapy. This year started out rough and got even rougher as the weeks turned into months. Relationships (on all fronts) went crazy, too many people passed away, and the process of letting go became too overwhelming at points.

Soon I found myself running all the time. Running to get over relationships gone awry. Running to clear my head. Running to keep from crying. (Turns out if you need to cry bad enough, you can still do both.) Running, running, running...

There have been times that I had myself convinced that if I just ran harder and faster I could somehow speed up time or leave reality in the dust. Other times I felt like I was doing it for freedom's sake. Because I could. And then there's today. Today will be no different from all the times before. I will, once again, be meeting in my synagogue of solitude as my feet rhythmically pound the pavement. Racing forward to clear my head, to keep from crying while escaping reality and for freedom's sake.

Today, I run.