A Case Of The What If's

This is too hard.

It's never going to happen.

I give up.

Phrases I've spoken from time to time that are usually preceded by some difficulty or barriers that can be hurdled with enough determination and the correct mindset. Recently, I've found my thoughts bouncing between both ends of the spectrum, one side saying I'm almost there and that dreams will become a reality, the other side saying to throw in the towel and call it a day.

Last night, I was out for run with nothing but the fresh air, a little music plugged into my ears, and my trusty old running shoes. I always like the way it feels to run long distance. I know the minute I get beyond my neighborhood I'm officially on an adventure. Given the back roads and dirt paths that I often run, there's no one close by to pick me up right away if I get tired. There are no cabs, trolleys or shuttles waiting off to the side for emergencies. If I want to get home I'll have to get myself there. And while at times this is an exhausting thought, the thrill of not knowing whether or not I can truly make it keeps me moving forward, pushing through all those leg aches and side cramps.

It was at about mile 4 of my run last night when a cramp in my ribs started whining to my brain that it was time to stop or slow down. So, I did what I always try to do first and started breathing a little more deeply, counting to 3 on the inhale and counting to 3 on the exhale. I know what it's like to push through the pain and taste victory. I also know what it's like to stop all together and inevitably end up kicking myself for not trying to get a little farther down the road. It was while I was breathing deeply that I started to have "what if" thoughts.

What if I gave up right here and just around the bend was a pile of cash just waiting for someone to pick it up?

What if I stopped running and just around the corner is Ryan Gosling, stranded, and in need of a cute, single girl's help?

What if what I truly want is right in front of me and just within reach?

What if the reason why life is sometimes really tough and the feeling to quit becomes so overwhelming is because our goals, our dreams are just about to be realized? 

I finished that run last night without slowing down, stopping or quitting. I ran just about 5 miles and it was the longest distance I've ever run by myself. No one was next to me chanting in my ear, "You've got this, girl!" There was no elusive pile of cash around any of the corners I rounded and Ryan Gosling was nowhere to be found. But I reached my goal last night. I finally ran the distance that I've been wanting to say is my short run, all by myself, without it feeling too painful.

I went to bed last night in peace. It was a peace I had been missing; the kind of calm presence that says, "I'm not worried. I know what I want is just up ahead." I may not know exactly how the life I want is going to become a reality, but I'm up for the adventure. I'm willing to keep going, to see what's just around the bend.

One Thousand Gifts

Sometimes you don't know when you're taking the first step through a door until you're already inside.

I have a framed chalkboard that hangs over my bed where I've written on it one word that I hope will somehow transfer its syllables into my brain while I sleep. At the very least, I figure if I see that one word when I wake and before I fall asleep every day it will somehow become a reality in my life. And as of last summer, this has been the place where I hang the biggest reminder to myself of what I want to see become a permanent part of my character. 

I just started reading this book about thankfulness and not because I thought to myself, "Hey, this looks great! I should read this!", but because everybody and their uncle have been telling me how life changing it is and that it's the best book they've ever come across. Quite frankly, I'd just like to be able to say I've read it so that people will stop trying to sell me on what I thought was excessive grandeur. Of course, now (much to my chagrin) I'm just a few chapters in and I find myself walking through an open door to a place I didn't know I needed to be and every word on every page is magic.

The word I wrote on my self-reminding chalkboard a few months ago is JOY. All in capital letters, written purposefully with the intent that I would truly discover what it means to have joy and be happy in all times of life. Turns out that joy isn't just some loner emotion that you take hold of and viola! you're instantly blissed out. As the book says, it's something that you get, not something that you grasp. And it has a buddy that makes it possible to have joy for ever and ever. Enter Thankfulness.

Thankfulness: The ability to be aware and appreciative of a benefit.

Much to my surprise I realized after starting this book that I had already been training myself. These past few months, if I found myself ready to gripe about something, some situation or irritating person, I would immediately stop and force myself to look at the bigger picture. And the bigger picture always showed me that on the other side of that complaint was something to be thankful for. There is always a bigger reason or plan beyond what we can immediately see in the midst of crappy situations. And so I've been training myself to assume the best and continue to preach to myself that when things don't go my way it isn't necessarily a bad thing or the sad finality of an opportunity that will never come around again, but rather it's for the best. It's for my best.

Practice is the hardest part of learning, and training is the essence of transformation. 

In complete honesty with you, dear reader, this has not been an easy thing to practice or a simple habit to change. I'm almost embarrassed to admit that my immediate reaction to most seemingly negative things in the past has been to reiterate Murphy's law of whatever can go wrong, will. Ironically, it took being thankful for the negative things to get that gift of joy. And it's not like I've been waking up every single day raring to go, but I have found little bits of joy in unexpected places. Enough to equal one thousand gifts....maybe even more.

All of the words in bold were from One Thousand Gifts or the dictionary. I'll let you guess which one was from the dictionary. ;)